When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
