I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
