i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
