all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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