So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
