I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize