I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
