What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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