I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
The ass gains better be worth it
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