I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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