When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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