Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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