Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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