I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
