I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
