Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
