your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
