Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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