I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
