I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
