Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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