I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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