it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
