His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
