This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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