Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
