My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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