I'm gonna have a badass scar
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
