I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
