don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
