You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
