My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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