hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
