no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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