Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
