The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
