I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
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