I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
