omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
