my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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