zippers are such a cool invention
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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