I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
