it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
