Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
