Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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