I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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