I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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