I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
