my soul wont recognize me after tonight
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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