this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
