I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
