I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
All I want is dick and wine.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
