have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize