You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
