I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
