just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
