I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Green mimosas i think yes
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
