i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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