I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
