Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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