I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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