So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
