they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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